The Trust Factor

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Recently I’ve been wondering why so few people are truly excited about their mates. You may have noticed that most people involved in long-term relationships are often cynical about their partner. Although it is a common attitude, is this normal? What is the missing element that sustains passion in a romantic relationship over a lifetime?

According to Webster’s dictionary, passion is “an intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction for an activity, object, concept or person”. In the context of romantic relationships, this emotion is directed towards one’s partner and is often thought to be associated with temporary irrational thinking. However, a closer look at passion reveals a different reality.

There seems to be an intimate but rarely explored link between passion and trust. Trust is an elusive concept, but American sociologist James H. Davis narrowed it down to a “reasonable expectation (confidence) of a trustor that the trustee will behave in a way beneficial to the trustor”. A common assumption of trust is the belief in the good intentions of the trustee, which prompts the trustor to allow themselves to be vulnerable to the actions of the trusted person. Also, people’s practical competency level in various areas of life influences how much we trust them in these areas.

Genuine trust is built over time as we observe our partner and determine whether their behaviours match their words and thoughts. In short, each time they behave in a way that demonstrates integrity, our trust in our partner grows. The opposite is also true – each time we witness a dishonest act from our mate towards us or others, some of the trust is taken away.

The need to trust is necessary for all kinds of personal and professional relationships. Because life is so complex, we need to simplify our decision-making process by predicting future behaviours of people based on their past actions.

American sociologist John C. Holmes states that trust evolves through three categories of expectations. The first category is the expectation that someone’s actions are predictable based on frequent trustworthy behaviours; the second category is when these behaviours are consistent enough that we conclude that trustworthiness is one of the individual’s personality traits, and finally, we develop faith in the person’s future positive motives towards us, and we view the relationship as a long-term union.

Trusting our mates involves more than expecting that they will not physically harm us or steal our money. Deep trust in our partner implicates more subtle yet important areas of the relationship. For example, we need to have the certainty that our mates:

• consider us as one of their top priorities or better yet, their most important one.

• perceive us as their equal.

• are truthful and honest.

• pay attention and listen to us.

• understand us intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

• support our hopes and dreams.

• are considerate, respectful, and kind towards us and others.

• wisely use their position of power or privilege.

• still think highly of us even when we make mistakes, fail or make a fool out of ourselves.

• are willing to calmly discuss emotionally charged relationship issues.

• are able to analyze a situation objectively, even when they are the central players in that situation.

• admit their wrongdoing/errors and apologize accordingly.

• are emotionally and sexually faithful.

• care for and enhance our physical/mental/emotional health.

• protect and defend our interests to the same degree as theirs.

• are financially responsible and contribute to the long-term financial health of the relationship.

Failure in trust is more easily forgiven if due to a lack of competence than a lack of benevolence. It’s easier to excuse an honest mistake than a calculated offence that a person could have easily prevented. It is much easier to lose trust than to build it, and if the failure in trust is severe enough, it may be impossible to regain even after the offended party has forgiven the trustee.

American philosopher Annette Baier makes the distinction between reliance and trust. When someone we rely on fails us, we tend to be disappointed, but this negative feeling can be quickly remedied by consistent reliable actions from the other person. However, when trust is broken, we may feel betrayed and not recover.

Betrayal is “a complete break from previously decided upon or presumed norms by one party from the others”. The victim of betrayal displays intense anger and confusion and demands retribution from the traitor. Even after the perpetrator of the betrayal apologizes and expresses remorse, it may not be enough for the victim to forgive and forget.

The trauma of betrayal can be profoundly psychologically damaging as it can create a sense of irreality, and can shatter the victim’s understanding of the world, life events, social rules, morals, and values. Depending on a person’s resiliency, they may experience intense fear/distress, and lose trust in people in general as well as their ability to accurately judge people’s trustworthiness. In fact, the damage caused by betrayal is similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in terms of the effects on the psyche.

Deep trust in our partner gives us the peace of mind necessary to focus our energy on other aspects of our lives. Contrary to popular belief, passion for our mate stems from that deep trust, which is the opposite of infatuation.

Infatuation is “the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion”. This is a fear-based, short-lived state because it is based on fantasy. We tend to be infatuated by very physically attractive and charismatic individuals whom we transform in our minds into demi-gods/goddesses. The object of our obsession may not notice our very existence or simply doesn’t care about us. Infatuation can’t be sustained for too long because it consumes too much energy, and we eventually discover that the object of our obsession is simply human.

Passion is love-based and can last a lifetime. It is an intense feeling that energizes and enables us to live in the eternal present. Past regrets and future worries vanish when we experience deep peace. We are able to see the object of our passion for who they truly are, and make wise decisions based on that knowledge. Also, passion allows us to fully disclose who we are because we feel safe with our partner.

Based on my observation, trust in most romantic relationships dies slowly because of an accumulation of disappointments. Betrayal often results in an abrupt end to the relationship, whereas accumulated disappointments keep the person in the union although they find their partner unsatisfying. With the gradual loss of trust, passion, and love also die, and these individuals often stay in the relationship because of practical matters such as raising the kids and paying the bills.

Some emotional concepts are rarely analyzed in relationships, and passion is one of them. Most people mistake infatuation for passion because unhealthy obsession is a lot more common. Deep trust is the cornerstone that enables true passion and love to grow and flourish. Passion is life-sustaining and can last our whole lives. Unfortunately, the slow depletion of trust in relationships due to frequent disappointments also leads to the death of passion. With this new understanding of the link between trust, passion, and love, we can make better mate selection or bring back some of the lost fire in our romantic relationships.

Literary Truths

Here are some ways to build trust in your romantic relationship:

• Predictability: surprisingly, although adding some spice to your relationship is enjoyable, your partner needs consistency and reliability in you.

• Integrity: what you think, say, and do should match. Also, your body language should be congruent with what you say. We believe facial expressions and tone of voice more than words.

• Belief in your partner’s competency: you should perceive your partner as your equal and not a child that needs to be supervised.

• Full disclosure: don’t keep secrets from your partner. Hidden secrets require a lot of energy and make true intimacy impossible.

• Direct communication: tell your partner exactly what you need because they are not mind-readers.

• Assertiveness: when appropriate, you should say “no” to your partner.  Being a doormat will make you lose self-respect and the respect of your partner.

• Pursue Growth: this requires that you face the unresolved issues in your relationship head-on. Although it may be uncomfortable, it is the only way for your relationship to keep on growing.

Truth in Motion

References

Betrayal: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betrayal

Ducharme, Jennifer, Catherine Koverola, and Paula Battle. “Intimacy development: the influence of abuse and gender.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 12.4 (1997): 590.

Passion: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passion_(emotion)

Passion Definition: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/passion

Robinson, Sandra L. “Trust and breach of the psychological contract.” Administrative Science Quarterly 41.4 (1996): 574.

7 Ways to Build Trust in a Relationship

Trust: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust_(social_science)

Trust Picture 1: https://pinkribbons4life.webs.com/love-trust.jpg

Trust Picture 2: http://ilovewerewolves.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/werewolf_love.jpg

Zak, Ann Marie, et al. “Assessment of trust in intimate relationships and the self-perception process.” The Journal of Social Psychology 138.2 (1998): 217.