Soulmates

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The search for the ideal romantic partner seems to be a constant preoccupation in North America. Books, movies, dating sites, television shows all nourish hopes of finding that elusive “right” partner. And let’s be honest, even the most cynical amongst us must admit that the idea of spending the rest of our lives with the perfect romantic match is quite appealing.

American Psychologist Carolyn Godschild Miller explores this subject in her book Soulmates. This paperback is one of the best books I have read on the topic of romantic love because Miller takes an unusual approach to help others find their soulmate. I will highlight some important points discussed in her book.

Although this author has a Ph.D. in Psychology, by her late thirties she had to admit to herself that she was ill-equipped in her search for a soulmate. In a moment of despair, she turned to her spiritual teacher and counselor named Carmela Corallo for guidance and started the study of the spiritual text A Course in Miracles. She also included meditation as a regular practice in order to get in touch with her inner Guide.

What followed is a series of troubling self-revelations. First, she realized that she was a very controlling woman, and a lot less loving than she was willing to admit to herself. Furthermore, most of her decisions were made from a selfish Ego point of view, and the men she managed to attract felt manipulated and eventually walked away from her.

After going through a period of inner transformation, Miller soon met her soulmate. Her book chronicles her journey, but also that of several other real-life couples who followed a similar path. The central message of her book is that very few of us have the insight to know what is best for us – especially in our love life. We often suffer from spiritual myopia and are unable to see the bigger picture.

Of the many real-life love stories that Miller recounts, that of Herman and Roma is one of the most beautiful.

Herman was sixteen when he first saw Roma through a barbed wire fence during World War II in Germany. He was a Jew who was trying to survive the terrible conditions of a Nazi work camp when he noticed the eight-year-old girl. In the chance that this German girl had not learned to hate Jews, he asked her to bring him some food and slide it through the fence. To his surprise, every day for months, she brought him food until his whole family was deported to a concentration camp in Czechoslovakia. At the end of the war, only Herman and a few family members survived the concentration camp. Needless to say, Roma’s contribution was crucial in keeping Herman alive.

Fast-forward eighteen years later, Herman and Roma meet on a blind date in New York City. Turns out that Roma was not German, but a Jew like Herman who passed as a Christian by using falsified papers. Although she was only eight years old, Roma knew that she risked her and her family’s life by giving food to Herman. As they were exchanging stories as to how they survived the war, Roma told Herman how she brought food to a Jewish teenage boy for months. Herman was stunned and asked her to marry him on the spot. Although they’ve had their ups and downs, they have been happily married for forty years and are blessed with children and many grandchildren.

According to Miller, the soul is the capacity to feel, and therefore also the capacity to experience love. Consequently, a soulmate is “someone your soul desires to be with because that particular association offers enormous scope for the expression of love.”

Most people confuse twin souls with soulmate unions. Twin soul relationships are for the very spiritually advanced or enlightened individuals who are at the level of unconditional self-love. These people are literally looking for their male or female equivalent, and therefore there may be only one possible partner. This type of union is very peaceful right from the start but also extremely rare.

Soulmate relationships are for people who have done the required inner work that enables them to be truthful and in integrity. These people still have many love lessons to learn, and the most important one is to love themselves and another person unconditionally. By definition, soulmate relationships will arouse conflict as these lessons are being learned. The difference between the “ordinary” relationship versus the soulmate kind is that in the first instance there is no improvement or growth. People in soulmate relationships eventually put their guards down and discover that true love is safe and life-sustaining.

Miller debunks several myths about soulmates:

• Instant recognition: most people do not feel attracted to their soulmate the first time they meet them; some were actually repulsed.

• Similar background: many soulmates are from different ethnic/religious/social backgrounds.

• Only for heterosexual couples: individuals from a variety of sexual orientations find their soulmate.

• Only for the young and beautiful: people of all ages and different levels of physical attractiveness find their soulmates when they are ready.

• Only one chance: people may meet their soulmates repetitively before the relationship actually starts.

• Only one partner: we are compatible with more than one person, therefore there is no need to panic if one relationship fails.

• Requires intense search: the Universe knows the quickest and effortless way to bring soulmates together – we only have to accept the invitation.

To the Ego, our soulmate may initially look like chopped liver. After all, most of us have waited a really long time to meet this person, and we may feel that we deserve much better. Ironically, being underwhelmed is often necessary because this state of mind allows us to be ourselves, and this creates a real opportunity for true love to grow.

Although many will be at first unimpressed by their soulmate, Miller cautions against settling. Settling for the wrong partner may appear like a reasonable option however in the long run, both partners will suffer. In other words, in a true soulmate relationship, both partners should feel that they are blessed to be in that union.

The search for the right romantic partner can seem exhausting. In North America, many relationship experts give us advice to ease the process, but few seem to work. Carolyn Godschild Miller took a different approach. Although a trained Psychologist, Miller admitted to herself that she also needed guidance. After going through her own spiritual journey and finding the right partner, Miller reveals specific steps to help us attract our soulmate.

Miller underlines the fact that we often use our Ego instead of our inner Guide to identify the right partner. Our inner Guide knows far more than us, and the many real-life successful love stories included in Soulmates is a testament to the true possibility for all of us to find our soulmate.

Interested in buying the book Soulmates?  Click here.

Interested in further exploring this topic? Buy the movie Something New.

Literary Truths

According to Carolyn Godschild Miller, soulmate-ready individuals:

• Focus on how it feels to be with another person: appearances are often deceiving, and they are not dazzled by wealth, looks, success, and polished social manners.

• Want a partner, but don’t need one: they are self-sufficient, which lowers the demand they put on their prospective partners.

• Would rather be alone than in a bad relationship: they are capable of enjoying their own company and have an interesting life full of projects, friends, and other activities even without the right partner.

• Have a life purpose: they want a partner who shares a similar life purpose and the broad outline of the kind of life they want to live.

• Admit their mistakes: they realize that they are not perfect and don’t demand perfection or unquestioned obedience from others.

• Are realistic about what they have to offer: they possess high self-esteem without being arrogant and know what kind of partner they can attract.

• See others objectively: they are a good judge of people and know how much they can expect of others.

• Bow to the authority of a higher power/moral code: they hold themselves to high moral standards and don’t rationalize selfish, dishonest, and unloving conduct.

Truth in Motion

References

Miller, Carolyn Godschild. Soulmates. Tiburon: H.J. Kramer Book & New World Library, 2000.

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