More than “Just Friends”

Let’s Talk!

“It broke my heart when I ended my friendship with my best friend,” he said.

“Did you talk about it with your other friends?” I asked.

“No, I thought it would be weird to admit to my other guy friends that I was so affected by that” he replied. “It took me a long time to get over it – he was like a brother to me, but closer because we chose to be friends” he explained. “We went through a lot together, and had so much fun for so many years” he pensively added.

I recently had this conversation with a young man whom I barely knew. He seemed relieved to be able to freely express the pain he felt from the loss of a close friendship. In North America, we often view friendships as less significant than romantic relationships because they don’t involve sex; hence the expression “just friends”. In reality, close friendships play a more important role in people’s lives than we may realize.

Wikipedia defines friendship as “a form of interpersonal relationship generally considered to be closer than association (in which) there is a range of degrees of intimacy”. Furthermore, friends consistently demonstrate the following behaviours:

• Desire the best for the other,

• Sympathy and empathy,

• Honesty and truthfulness, even when it is a sensitive issue and others may avoid telling the truth to the person,

• Mutual understanding and compassion,

• Trust each other with their feelings and provide emotional support,

• Non-judgmental attitude,

• Reciprocity (equal give and take between parties),

• Comfortable to show one’s true self and make mistakes without fear of judgment.

American psychologist Dr. John Janeway Conger states that developmentally, friendships come after parental bonding and before pair (or romantic) bonding. The close friendships that we have during our teenage years may be more intense than other types of relationships later on in life.

Ironically, we are often more intimate with friends than with romantic partners because it’s easier to let our guards down with true friends. Also, we don’t need to impress friends, and they are the ones who know the truth about what we really think about our romantic interests.

American relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman noted that happy couples usually refer to each other as their “best friend”. In fact, many behaviours that sustain a happy friendship are essential to a healthy romantic relationship. If such a relationship ends, the void left by the parting partner may seem impossible the fill by another person.

Since we choose our friends, they reflect more who we are than our biological family members. American psychology professor Dr. Micheal Monsour underlines the fact that same-sex and cross-sex friends often display similar characteristics. For instance, they often share the same interests, values, ethics, and understand each other intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

According to American sociology professor Dr. Don O’Meara, cross-sex friendships involve more talking and intimacy for men and less talking and intimacy for women. In fact, women and men tend to reveal more of themselves when there are friends with women.

Canadian psychology associate professor Marian M. Morry Ph.D. underlines the fact that as we reach adulthood, and we are busy with family and career obligations, it is more difficult to nourish friendships. Again this observation stresses the need for a similar lifestyle between friends because a true friend understands the challenges that the other one is facing.

Although there are 500 million daily users connected to online social networks, American author and law professor Ethan J. Leib Ph.D. suggests that people overall have fewer friends. According to him, the modern lifestyle of longer working hours, online communication, and suburban living make it difficult to create and maintain lasting friendships.

Furthermore, the advent of social networks such as Facebook has somehow devalued the term “friend”. You may receive on a regular basis “friend” requests from acquaintances that don’t play any significant roles in your life. At times, I even receive “friend” requests from people that I’ve never met in my life; some people believe that because you have a Facebook account you can befriend anybody. If Facebook took the word and meaning of “friend” more accurately, there should be other categories of requests: “friend”, “acquaintance”, “colleague” and “only contact list”.

Ultimately, a friend is there when we need him/her the most – even when it’s very inconvenient. One of the ways to know who is your friend, imagine the following scenario: It’s 3 am in January and it’s freezing cold. Your car broke down and you’re stranded in a remote area. Who do you call and know for sure will rescue you? Most people can only come up with the names of five individuals (and 2 of them may be their parents!).

American psychologist Dr. Michelle Callahan offers some strategies to maintain our friendships (especially if we live far apart):

• Be aware that it will take a conscious effort to keep your friendships alive and invest time and energy towards that goal.

• Stop obsessing about what you can no longer do with your friends because of life circumstances and instead focus on what you can now do together.

• Stop making excuses even if both of you have many other obligations.

• Spend time talking live or better yet, face to face because online communication often creates emotional distance in relationships.

The concept of “friend” is rarely explored in the Western World. We spend so much time examining the dynamic of romantic relationships that we forget that friendship is the foundation upon which romantic love is built. True friends provide us with understanding, compassion, companionship, humour, truth, and support in times of need.

Although presently there are many means of communication, people feel more isolated and have fewer friends. Social networks such as Facebook have ironically lowered the value attributed to the concept of friendship. Fortunately, there are ways to maintain our close friendships such as taking the time to talk live and seeing each other face to face. Hopefully, after this analysis of what true friendship entails, we will cherish the precious friends we have in our lives.

Interested in exploring more of this topic?  Buy the movie I Love You Man.

Literary Truths

According to Dr. Michelle Callahan, here are some health benefits of true friendships:

• Longevity: not having genuine friendships is as detrimental to health as smoking, high alcohol consumption, or not exercising.

• Higher serotonin level: this compound is both a hormone and a neurotransmitter involved in many physiological processes, one being mood regulation.

• Higher endorphins levels: these polypeptides are produced in the brain and pituitary gland and reduce the sensation of pain.

• Increased disease survival: women with breast cancer who have good friends are 4x more likely to survive the disease than the ones who are alone.

• Emotional support: in times of crisis (i.e., death in the family), friends provide emotional support that helps the person recover faster from the trauma.

Truth in Motion

References

Adams, Rebecca G., Blieszner, Rosemary, and Brian DeVries. “Definition of Friendship in the Third Age: Age, Gender, and Study Location Effects.” Journal of Aging Studies. 14.1 (Mar. 2000): p.117.

Campbell, Andrew, and Bridianne O’Dea. “Online social networking amongst teens: friend or foe?” Journal of CyberTherapy and Rehabilitation 4.2 (2011): 236.

Endorphins: https://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/endorphins

Female Friendship Formula: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvh6AfMJwg4

Friendship (Wikipedia): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship

Kito, Mie, and Marian M. Morry. “Relational-interdependent self-construal as a predictor of relationship quality: the mediating roles of one’s own behaviors and perceptions of the fulfillment of friendship functions.” The Journal of Social Psychology 149.3 (2009): 205.

Merolla, Andy J. “Communicating forgiveness in friendships and dating relationships.” Communication Studies 59.2 (2008): 114.

Serotonin: https://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/serotonin