Time to Say Goodbye

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The honeymoon phase of your relationship is over.  Reality sets in and you realize that you have much less in common with your mate than you originally thought.  You may have discovered some disturbing facts about your partner that they carefully hid from you because you would have never accepted to date them in the first place.  You have a gut feeling that the end of the relationship is near, and you even daydream about life without your partner.

It is a difficult experience that almost all of us will go through during our lifetime. Depending on one’s resilience, the end of a romantic relationship (or a breakup) can affect people differently. For many of us, it may take months, or even years to process and come to terms with the intense emotions that this type of event can trigger.

According to Wikipedia, a breakup is “the termination of a usually intimate relationship by any means other than death”.  The term “breaking up” is typically used in the context of common-law and dating couples and less with married people.

Recent Statistics Canada data reveal that of the 2 million reported breakups, 50% were common-law unions after 4.3 years of living together; and the other 50% were couples who divorced after 14.3 years of marriage.  Since there are far fewer common-law couples (2.7 million) compared to their married counterparts (12.4 million), this data reveals the great instability of the former type of living arrangement and these figures don’t include people who are only dating.

American psychologist John M. Gottman Ph.D. has observed that one of the first signs of trouble in a relationship is when expressed anger by either partner is accompanied by sarcasm, contempt, or other negative responses.  Also, in relationships heading for a breakup, partners reciprocate each other’s negative attitude and rarely used humour to dissipate tension. This may be an indication that there has been an accumulation of important unresolved issues in the relationship, and that any disagreement brings those lingering resentments to the surface.

Although the breakdown of a romantic relationship can take years, there is usually a very specific event that makes the end inevitable. American sociologist Diane Vaughan Ph.D. labeled this event “the turning point when everything went dead inside”.

Vaughan noted that a breakup is usually “asymmetrical”, which means that the initiator is preparing emotionally/mentally/practically for the end of the relationship, while their partner still holds on and has to catch up. Also, a breakup involves a redefinition of the self as now being single, giving the perception in one’s social circle as no longer being part of a couple.

For some people, a painful romantic relationship break-up and physical pain may feel the same.  Ethan Kross Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at the University of Michigan studied the brains of volunteers by using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scans. First, the volunteer’s left arm was subjected to physical pain, then the volunteers were asked to think about a recent painful breakup. The subjects reported the same level of pain in both conditions.  Kross observed that identical regions of the brain were active: the dorsal anterior cingulated cortex and the anterior insula. Therefore, the brain may not be able to distinguish between emotional and physical pain.

Social psychologist Amy A. Hackney Ph.D. looked at factors that can influence the speed at which men and women recover from a breakup. Having a preoccupied attachment style, non-acceptance of the end of the relationship, a high level of love for, and anger towards the partner are factors that hinder emotional recovery from a breakup.

Interestingly, according to Hackney, men tend to fall in love and believe in “love at first” more than women.  Women are often more practical when it comes to their romantic relationships, and may be aware of potential relationship problems sooner than men.  Therefore women may be more prepared when the end of a romantic relationship actually occurs.

Finally, Hackney noted some predictable observations such as regular contact with an ex-partner, and being in a long-term relationship makes it more difficult to recover from a breakup.  This can be explained by having lives that are closely intertwined and being exposed to many environmental triggers that remind one of the ex-partners.

A breakup is rarely an easy event to experience.  Although many signs of trouble may have been present, one partner is often more aware of the imminent end.  Depending on a person’s resilience and other environmental factors, the emotional recovery period can greatly vary.  The initiator of a breakup is often more prepared for it than their partner.

Ultimately, it is important to understand that not all romantic relationships were meant to last a lifetime, and it is wise to know when to say goodbye.

Literary Truths

According to social psychologist Amy A. Hackney Ph.D., here are other factors that influence the recovery from a breakup:

• People with an anxious attachment disorder do not easily recover from a breakup, whereas people with a secure attachment style usually lean on their social support to help them with the loss.

• Women tend to spend more time with a partner just before initiating a breakup because this period is an opportunity for them to objectively assess the positives and negatives of the relationship.

• Men spend more time with a partner they truly love and tend not to evaluate their romantic relationships objectively. Therefore they are often unprepared for a breakup and have a more difficult time recovering from it.

• How much “in love’ women are before the breakup tended not to predict the speed of their emotional recovery from a breakup.

• Women tend to have a stronger social support network than men, and this support helps them recover from a breakup. In contrast, men don’t fare as well because they rely mostly on their mates for social support.

• Both men and women tend to speed up their emotional recovery from a breakup if they enter quickly into a new romantic relationship.

Truth in Motion

References

Hackney, Amy A., et al. “The breakup of romantic relationships: situational predictors of perception of recovery.” North American Journal of Psychology 12.3 (2010): 565.

Jalovaara, Marika, and Torkild Hovde Lyngstad. “A review of the antecedents of union dissolution.” Demographic Research 23 (2010): 257.

Kross E et al. Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proc Natl Acad Sci USA 2011 Apr 12; 108:6270.

Statistics Canada – Common-law Couples Are More Likely to Break Up: https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/11-402-x/2011000/chap/fam/fam02-eng.htm

To the Brain, Getting Burned, Getting Dumped Feel the Same: https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/11-402-x/2011000/chap/fam/fam02-eng.htm

Wagner, Cynthia G. “Predicting successful marriages.” The Futurist June-July 1999: 20.

Wikipedia – Relationship Breakup: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breakup

Wikipedia – Canada 2006 Census: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2006_Canadian_Census