Unfaithful

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It is difficult to avoid the topic of romantic infidelity.  Magazine covers that focus on the lives of celebrities often display headlines about who’s breaking up, and who cheated on whom.  The recent scandals of the philanderings of apparently happily married public figures such as Tiger Woods and Arnold Schwarzenegger remind us that almost anyone could be a victim of marital infidelity.

According to a 2011 Statistics Canada report, there is a trend towards fewer divorces in Canada. For example in 2008, there were 70,000 divorces, a 4% decrease from 2007. However, since there is a steady increase in Common Law unions, these numbers may not reflect the actual number of dissolved unions.

The same Statistics Canada report lists adultery as one of the grounds for marital breakdown. It also indicates that 95% of divorces in Canada are filed based on couples separating for at least one year, and only 3% are due to infidelity.

The main challenge with getting the real statistics on adultery comes from the fact that many people do not readily admit their unfaithfulness; the difficulty of producing hard evidence in court that one’s spouse was, in fact, adulterous; and how one defines “sexual contact”.

Psychologist Dr. Angelina Mao defines infidelity as “a violation of the marital agreement, a betrayal of one’s trust, and a threat to the marital bond”. Furthermore, infidelity can be sexual, emotional, or both.

What constitutes infidelity may be different depending on the era, culture, economy, politics, education, religion, and the type of relationship that already existed between two persons.  Also, there are individual personality differences that may affect how a particular behaviour is considered adulterous. For example, in some cultures, the mere fact that a spouse went out in public with a member of the opposite sex could be considered an adulterous act.

According to the University of Toronto Law Professor Brenda Crossman, until the 19^th century, criminal and civil laws were designed to discourage adultery on the grounds that a man could unknowingly end up passing his inheritance on to another man’s biological child. It follows that if a woman was found guilty even once of marital infidelity, the husband could get a divorce.  The wife, on the other hand, had to prove that her husband was living with another woman or had been frequently unfaithful.

According to British Science reporter Paul Rincon and American Psychologist Dr. Michael C. Neale, today’s percentage of illegitimate children conceived from an affair across many countries may be around 3.7%.  This value is much lower than the usual 10% commonly stated by the general public. Therefore, the fear of illegitimacy is not the main concern regarding the consequence of infidelity.

Nowadays, adultery is not considered a criminal offense in Canada. Crossman notes that today’s punishment for such behaviour is more diffuse such as judgment and rejection from family, friends, and peers.

Crossman underlines the fact that marital infidelity is on the rise and both the average man and woman are guilty of these indiscretions.  One reason for this trend is the greater number of women in traditionally male-dominated careers, and the long work hours spent with the opposite sex.

Ironically, the very publicized cases of unfaithful celebrity and average couples may “normalize” this behaviour.  In other words, the public may believe that most people cheat, therefore it is not a major issue to be unfaithful.

American adultery author Louise DeSalvo proposes that men and women have affairs for different reasons.  Men seek intimacy and women autonomy.  In other words, people try to fulfill unmet needs inside their union by having romantic relationships with other individuals.

American relationship researcher John Gottman argues that after 35 years of research into marriage “Only 20% of divorces are caused by an affair. Most marriages die with a whimper, as people turn away from one another, slowly growing apart.” In order words, although a minority of self-reported happily married people still cheat, most infidelity cases only accelerated the deterioration of an already severely damaged relationship.

Affairs can trigger intense jealousy in the offended party.  American Psychologist Christine Harris PhD. explains that jealousy is “a form of stress response which has been shown to activate the sympathetic nervous system by increasing heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration.”

Some research using forced questionnaires have tried to identify sex differences in what would trigger jealousy in men versus women.  A 2010 study conducted by American Psychologists Kenneth N. Levy and Kristine M. Kelly indicated that the main factor for both sexes in triggering feelings of jealousy is how deeply attached the person was to their partner.

The Internet has created a new form of infidelity in which Mao describes “a romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone other than the spouse, which begins with an online contact and is maintained mainly through electronic conversations that occur through e-mail and chat rooms”. These on-line encounters can either be random and infrequent with different users and/or be regular with one particular person.

Although a number of Internet users could disagree, according to Mao, some online interactions can be defined as infidelity based on 3 factors: 1) they violate the vow of emotional and sexual exclusivity with one spouse; 2) they occur in secrecy, without the spouse’s knowledge; and 3) they result in a breach of trust. Furthermore, Internet infidelity is distinguishable and easier than traditional infidelity because of high accessibility, affordability, and anonymity.

Mao suggests marital therapy that may last a few months as one way to treat Internet infidelity and save the relationship.  The therapy often involves 4 steps: 1) a period during which the injured party has a chance to vent their anger and distress; 2) the psycho-education of the philandering spouses about the negative impact of their online flirtation on their partners; 3) the enhancement of intimacy by encouraging the couples to spend time together doing mutually enjoyable activities; and 4) uncovering and healing any sexual, emotional, or psychological issues that were already plaguing the relationships.

Mao points out that marital therapy may be effective if both partners are very motivated to rebuild the relationship, and that there are not too many pre-existing issues within the union.

The seriousness of infidelity has prompt even Dr. Phil to give advice on this topic.  He recommends that individuals: 1) cultivate an emotionally intimate bond with their partner (turn toward them); 2) to work every day on their marriage; 3) continuously try to find ways to improve the marriage; 4) focus on self-care (healthy eating, exercise, look your best); 5) nurture high self-esteem, and 6) take responsibility for one’s actions.

The media is awash with stories of cheating spouses.  From movies such as the critically acclaimed 2002 movie “Unfaithful”, to talk shows such as the “Oprah Winfrey Show” all explore the complex elements involved in marital infidelity.

What constitutes adultery may be different depending on the culture, era, education, and many other factors.  However, when the elements of breach of trust, broken vows, and secrecy are present, it is almost certain that adultery had taken place.

It is possible to rebuilt trust after an affair, but both parties have to be willing to be honest, responsible, and work hard at healing the union.  When it comes to unfaithfulness, the best remedy may still be prevention.

Literary Truths

According to Cathy Meyer, a certified Marriage and Relationship Educator, there are five types of infidelity:

• Opportunistic infidelity: when a spouse although attached to their partner, succumbs to their sexual desire for someone else. Often alcohol and drugs are involved.

• Obligatory Infidelity: when a spouse cheats because of fear of disapproval that comes with turning down someone else’s sexual advances. The person may be very insecure and needs attention from others.

• Romantic Infidelity: when a spouse is committed to their relationship but finds it emotionally unfulfilling. The affair fills the need for an intimate, loving connection with a person. However, they likely will not leave their unsatisfying union.

• Conflicted Romantic infidelity: when a person is genuinely emotionally and sexually attracted to two individuals.  This situation is very stressful because it is almost impossible to only choose one mate.

• Commemorative Infidelity: the spouse is very aware that the relationship is unfulfilling on all levels and consciously decides to have affairs with other people to meet their needs.  The person remains with their spouse for the sake of appearances.

Truth in Motion

References

Cossman, Brenda. “The new politics of adultery.” Columbia Journal of Gender and Law 15.1 (2006): 274.

Mao, Angelina, and Ahalya Raguram. “Online infidelity: The new challenge to marriages.” Indian Journal of Psychiatry 51.4 (2009): 302.

Neal, Michael C., Neale, Benjamin M. and Sullivan, Patrick F. “Nonpaternity in Linkage Studies of Extremely Discordant Sib Pairs“.  American  Journal of Human Genetics. 2002 February; 70(2): 526–529. Published online 2001 December 14.

Statistics Canada – Divorces, by reason for marital breakdown

Statistics Canada – Divorces Cases in Civil Court 2010/2011

Study Debunks Illegitimacy “Myth”

Types of Infidelity

Wikipedia – Infidelity

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