The First Time

Tweet

Pocket

Let’s Talk!

The first time was supposed to be magical, just like in the movies and romance novels. The man barely touched her, and both were already moaning with pleasure. A few pelvis thrusts later (in the missionary position!), and they came exactly at the same time.  Actual fireworks could be heard in the background.

Unfortunately, the reality is often different. The word that may best describe the first time you had intercourse is “awkward”. It is a rite of passage that almost everyone goes through, and the impact can be long-lasting. Whether it was a good experience or a bad one, it is often difficult to forget.

You probably became sexually active in your mid-teens, a time when most of us were trying to establish our self-identity. Hormones were raging and curiosity made sex irresistible. There was more pressure for teenage boys to be sexually active compared to girls. Being a virgin was a label that budding young men wanted to get rid of as soon as possible. For girls, it was more a question of who she would choose to “pick her cherry” because boys were always willing and available.

The pressure put on teenagers to become sexually active has not diminished. We are bombarded with sexual messages – advertisers sell just about anything using sex. Sex is presented as this amazing experience, and virgins may believe that they are missing out on a life-changing event.

A relatively recent survey revealed that 30% of Canadian boys and girls were sexually active by the time they reached the age of 17. A small percentage (8%) had intercourse before they were 15 years old. Teenagers tend to believe there are no negative consequences to sex. Broken hearts, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases are not taken into account.

Few teenagers receive the proper education needed in order to have a fulfilling sexual experience. Parents hope that their teenagers will wait until they are in their early twenties before losing their virginity. In some households, the subject of sex is totally ignored, as parents are uncomfortable with their own sexuality.

Boys tend to have more sexual partners than girls. As a teenager, you may have assumed that a greater number of partners meant that your male partner knew what he was doing. Unfortunately, it is rarely the case. He probably only knew that he should wear a condom and that his penis needed to be inserted into your vagina. Few boys (or men) have practical knowledge of their own bodies, let alone women’s.

“The first time” can be a wake-up call, and make us realize that most of us were not ready to have sex at 16. Individuals are not averages, and the context in which your first sexual experience took place was more important than the act itself. We can’t go back in time, but hopefully the positives and the negatives of “the first time” can be used as a blueprint to improve “the subsequent times”.

Literary Truths

Here are factors that can make “first-time” sex more fulfilling:

• Have a healthy body-image: when you like your body the way it is, you can focus on the moment, not on how unattractive it could appear to your partner.

• Follow your own schedule: have sex when and as often as it is suitable for you. Respect each other’s individuality, because people have different sexual needs.

• Learn about sex: ignorance is NOT sexual bliss. Get to know your own body and get acquainted with your partner’s.

• Block enough time: half an hour may be the minimum time needed to enjoy the process of having sex. Choose a place where you know you won’t be disturbed. A 5-10 minutes session in a public place may end up leaving you more stressed and frustrated.

• Select a sex partner that you actually like: it seems rather self-evident that both you and your partner should like each other, but many people disregard this simple rule.

• Have adequate protection: the fear of pregnancy or catching a sexually transmitted disease will prevent you from relaxing and enjoying sex.

• Be free of ethical dilemmas: is either one of you underage, already married, or involved in another relationship? Rationalization can only go so far in controlling feelings of guilt and shame.

• Allow the natural unfolding of the relationship: it may be a good idea to get to know the person for at least a few months before having sex with him/her. Familiarity will allow you to relax, speak your mind, and be yourself.

Truth in Motion

* Please note that this video is about 19 minutes long.

References

At what age do women and men have their first sexual intercourse? World comparisons and recent trends.

Hymenorrhaphy

Statistics Canada – Table 2: Age when first had sexual intercourse

Statistics Canada- Trends in teen sexual behaviour and condom use

Virginity