Let’s Talk!
About a month ago, I saw the movie “Before Midnight†which is the sequel to “Before Sunrise†and “Before Sunsetâ€. Many people in the theatre were emotionally drained after watching this latest installment because it accurately depicts how most romantic relationships deteriorate over time.
As I was walking out of the theatre I pointed out to another moviegoer that the first two films were the courtship stage of a relationship, whereas the last one is the reality of marriage. I then wondered what are the dating rules in the Western world that often create this surreal period in most romantic relationships.
Let’s explore this idea…
Wikipedia defines courtship as “the period in a couple’s relationship which precedes engagement and marriage, or establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind.†Dating is therefore a form of courtship usually lasting from a few months to a few years, during which a couple partakes in various activities to determine their long-term compatibility.
Sociology associate professor Dr. Mary Riege-Laner explains that up until the late 19th century in America, courtship was initiated by the woman and took place at her parents’ home. The young man was officially invited to spend time with the young woman under the watchful eye of her family members to determine his suitability for marriage.
By the mid-1910s, the term “dating†became common among America’s middle-class and moved from the private to the public sphere. Men were now the host while women became the guest, and men’s money was at the center of courtship.
Men’s money shifted the power balance because it purchased female companionship, entertainment, obligation, and control. This dynamic is alive today because overall men still earn more than women – especially in the case of single young women.
Although most people in the Western world would like to perceive themselves as open-minded when it comes to dating rules, in reality, we tend to be traditional.
Riege-Laner argues that gender-stereotyped behaviours are the norm, and men have to follow stricter rules in order to not “mess things upâ€. Interestingly, both men and women usually know exactly how the other party should conduct themselves regardless if it’s someone they know very well or just a relative stranger. Furthermore, men who are frequent daters tend to be even stricter about these dating rules.
Women are still perceived as subordinates, sexual objects, and facilitators, whereas men are the dominant planners, economic providers, and initiators of sexual contact. If the dating script is not followed during the first encounter, most people don’t agree to a second date.
Men and women tend to negotiate the best time and place to meet for a date. The woman usually tries to meet in a public and safe place where she can easily leave if she feels in danger. On the other hand, the man often tries to choose a location that fosters intimacy.
Both men and women tend to be attracted to an appealing appearance; although men often value physical beauty more than women. We, therefore, put a lot of time and effort in looking our best when we date a potential long-term partner, which may not reflect how we look in our day-to-day life. Furthermore, women often try to wear outfits that flatter their figures but are classy because they want to be perceived as “high value†potential mates.
Social drinking is often linked to dating. Someone who does not drink at all may come across as too conservative, whereas being drunk may indicate a lack of self-control.
Researcher Jacqueline Ferris Ph.D. suggests that there are unexpressed assumptions when a man buys an alcoholic drink for a woman. This gesture often implies that he wants to create an atmosphere of intimacy, relax the woman, and perhaps even obligate her towards him. The goal is for both of them to drink moderately because the woman does not want to put herself in a vulnerable position, and the man does not want to be accused of taking advantage of a drunk woman.
Western society still judges a drunk woman less favorably than a drunk man. Women may feel the pressure to maintain a good image because it may diminish their chances of being perceived as “wife†material. Consequently, many women are the sexual gatekeepers and are the ones who decide if the date will evolve to a long-term relationship.
During the courtship phase, people usually try to demonstrate their good sense of humour as it may be a sign of intelligence, positive social qualities, and an ability to comprehend context. Also, having a similar sense of humour helps people build intimacy because it may be an indication that they have a comparable understanding of the world.
Psychologist Arnie Cann Ph.D. explains that the use of humour in a dating situation is more complex than it appears. Positive (or affiliative) humour that supports ourselves or others strengthens relationships. Negative (or aggressive) humour that attacks or ridicules ourselves or others damages relationships. Also, although both sexes value humour, men tend to prefer women who perceive them as the funniest, whereas men are not more attracted to the funniest women.
Jealousy is an emotion that can be experienced by both partners while dating but most may try to hide. According to Psychologist Dr. Thomas W. Durham, romantic jealousy is “an emotional response to a perceived or real threat to an important or valued relationshipâ€.
Durham observed that jealousy tends to be experienced at the beginning of relationships when there is uncertainty about the level of commitment of both parties. However, the overt expression of jealousy is not well perceived by others because it may be viewed as a lack of self-confidence. For example, Durham noted that jealous women tend to have low self-esteem and be more neurotic.
As a whole, all these above gender-stereotyped behaviours leave little room for spontaneity and genuine interactions between partners. Dating is therefore not an opportunity to discover who someone really is, and this might lead to disappointments when we no longer wear masks.
Dating in the Western world is more complex than it may appear. Although there is more equality between men and women, there is often a script that most of us follow when we date.
The danger of adhering to all the rules of dating is that we don’t get to reveal who we really are,  which defeats the whole point of courtship. Perhaps we should challenge our preconceived ideas about dating rules so that both men and women can readily assess if they are compatible as long-term partners.
Literary Truth
Here are other interesting facts about dating:
- There is a great number of males and females who are looking for nonsmoking partners because in North America smoking is perceived as a serious health hazard.
- Nowadays, both men and women put a lot of emphasis on personality characteristics (sense of humor, kindness, honesty, warmth, intelligence) in their search for a long-term mate compared to former generations.
- According to Webster’s dictionary, flirting is defined as “to play at courtship or act the lover without serious intent”. Furthermore, flirting helps pace the courtship and adds fun in an established relationship.
- American biologist Dr. Timothy Perper estimated that in about 2/3rds of the cases, the woman made the first move to attract a man. However, during courtship, neither gender dominates a successful flirtation.
- Compared to women, men tend to perceive friendliness as flirtatiousness in their interaction with women.
Truth in Motion
References
Cann, Arnie, Heather B. Davis, and Christine L. Zapata. “Humor style and relationship satisfaction in dating couples: perceived versus self-reported humor styles as predictors of satisfaction.” Humor: International Journal of Humor Research 24.1 (2011): 1.
Courtship – Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Courtship
Dating – Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating
Durham, Thomas W., and Laveena Khanchandani. “Jealousy during dating among female college students.” College Student Journal 43.4 (2009): 1272.
Ferris, Jacqueline. “Courtship, drinking, and control: a qualitative analysis of women’s and men’s experiences.” Contemporary Drug Problems Winter 1997: Y667-702.
Lance, Larry M. “Gender differences in heterosexual dating: a content analysis of personal ads.” The Journal of Men’s Studies 6.3 (1998): 297.
Laner, Mary Riege, and Nicole A. Ventrone. “Egalitarian daters/traditionalist dates.” Journal of Family Issues 19.4 (1998): 468.
Menadier, Veronica Hernandez. “Student corner: how personality and physical attraction lead to possible dating: a reflection.” Journal of Multidisciplinary Research 4.2 (2012): 111.
Moore, Monica M. “Human nonverbal courtship behavior–a brief historical review.” The Journal of Sex Research Mar.-June 2010: 171.
Picture 2: https://www.google.ca/search?q=Dating+pictures