Happily Ever After

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In the fall of 2009, David Letterman asked Madonna if she would consider remarriage. Madonna sarcastically replied that she would “rather get run over by a train.” Sadly, she echoed the sentiments of many divorced and currently married people.

In Canada, the divorce rate is 38% by the 30th year of marriage. This percentage does not include long-term common-law relationships that were unsuccessful. The total percentage of failed unions is about 50%. However, the most disturbing aspect of marriage is that many couples that stay married are rarely happy.

Based on my own observation, I would estimate that 1 out of every 10 couples feels fulfilled in their relationships. Interestingly, people still believe in marriage, as 80% of adult Canadians 25 years old or older will walk down the aisle at least once in their lifetime. The desire to share our life with someone may be strong, but few of us have been given the tools to make the marriage work. The current divorce rate may be an indication that people expect more from marriage, not less.

Statistics reveal that individuals in their thirties, who are from the same culture and have similar socio-economic backgrounds and educational level, tend to form stable long-term unions. But these factors do not guarantee a happy marriage. The question remains: What do happy couples know that others don’t?

For the past 35 years Dr. John Gottman, an American relationship researcher, has been trying to answer that very question in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Over the course of his research, he has observed 3,000 couples interact and from his observations, was surprised to discover that 90% of the time, he was able to predict the future of a marriage.

Gottman noted that all couples argue, get angry, and hurt each other’s feelings. What separated the “masters” from the “disasters” of relationships is a couple’s ability to continuously repair the damage they have caused. In a happy marriage, there are at least 5 times more positive interactions (i.e., being affectionate, kind, interested) compared to negative ones (i.e., hostility, criticism, anger). In other words, it takes a lot of positive “stuff” to offset a small amount of negative “stuff”; marriages heading for divorce have a ratio of 1:0.8 of negative to positive interactions.

The masters of relationships know their partners very well and are highly emotionally intelligent. They know each other’s “love map” (i.e., fears, dreams, weaknesses) which in turn enable them to spontaneously recognize when they have caused harm. Also, they know how to effectively repair the damage inflicted.

Happy couples are best friends and prefer each other’s company above anyone else’s. They build a strong emotional bank account that can withstand the inevitable conflicts. Over time, they develop a positive view of one another and trust that they each have one another’s best interests at heart. When discussing a problem, these individuals are gentle with each other and each takes responsibility for some part of the issue. They are able to separate the problem from their partner’s character.

The masters of relationships are very good listeners and welcome their partner’s attempts to repair any hurt. They recognize that conflict is a mechanism for learning how to love each other better. Also, they quickly diffuse negative feelings in order to get back to a harmonious state.

At first, glance, being happily married seems like an almost impossible goal; however, Gottman has proven that we can scientifically predict the demise of a couple. As we model ourselves after the masters of relationships, we too can have our “happily ever after.”

Interested in buying the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work?  Click here.

Literary Truths

According to Dr. John Gottman, there are seven principles for making marriage work. Here they are:

• Know your partner very well: have a detailed “love map” of your mate and remember this information.

• Focus on the positive characteristics of your partner: find ways to value and approve of one another (i.e., give sincere compliments).

• Get involved in joint activities: participate in hobbies that both of you enjoy.

• Share the power: let your partner influence your decisions by finding common ground.

• Pick your battles: know what you can change and what you cannot change in your partner.

• Have a common dream: create an exciting future together and a shared vision.

• Know the meaning behind the experiences: understand what the different events in your mate’s life meant to him/her.

Truth in Motion

References

Divorce: Facts, Causes & Consequences

Garrison, Marsha. “The decline of formal marriage: inevitable or reversible?” Family Law Quarterly 41.3 (2007): 491.

Gottman, John M., and J. De Claire, The Relationship Cure. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2001.

Gottman, John M., and N. Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999.

“Happy marriage makes for happy kids. (Society).” The Futurist Nov.-Dec. 2002: 15.

John Gottman part 1-4

Statistics Canada – Population by marital status and sex

Till death do us apart? The risk of first and second marriage dissolution