Intimacy

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“Sex is easy, but intimacy is difficult” recently said an acquaintance of mine. I agreed with him because sex may only involve the body, while emotional intimacy requires you to reveal the unseen that can put you in a vulnerable position. That’s why the word intimacy broken down means “into me see”.

When I meet someone, I often subconsciously evaluate the “Sweatpants Quotient” of the person. You might wonder what that term means. It’s how comfortable I would feel with this person if I were to break most socially and privately accepted rules of good etiquette. In other words, how much of the true “me” can this person handle? For instance, my boss has a very low score whereas my best friend, a very high one.

Maybe you’ve had similar challenges with intimacy. With some individuals, you would not invite them to your place unless your apartment was perfectly cleaned and tidy. You may also put away items that this person might find “cheesy” (i.e. your Danielle Steel’s novels) or some really ugly pictures of yourself when you were in High School. You show the “guest” what they want to see – not who you truly are.

The dating scene is notorious for encouraging people to hide their real selves. Most end up interacting with the “photo retouched” version of their date. Unfortunately, this charade can only last for a short while in order for real intimacy to grow.

It may take at least 3-4 encounters with a potential mate to know if you feel at ease enough to start letting your guards down. Appearances can be deceiving because a stern-looking person can actually be very playful when given a chance. You may start by revealing less threatening facts about yourself, then progress to more serious issues.  You should stop before your date’s expression says TMI (Too Much Information)!  You will soon know how far you can go by reading the body language of the person.

When both individuals feel at ease, intimacy is almost limitless. Both allow the other inside their world and consequently create a new world that you both share exclusively. And that’s when you can really let loose!

For example, as a woman, you may not have to have to take 2 hours to prepare for the date anymore. He can now see you “au naturel”, and you feel totally accepted as you are. Maybe your mate can tell you that he’s broke and that on the next date, you’ll have to stay indoors and rent a movie.

An intimate relationship requires a lot less energy when there is no need to hide who we really are. The “photo retouched” picture becomes a three-dimensional person who is not perfect, but real. These “imperfections” are their unique stamps and can be a source of a lot of good-natured humour.

And yes…sweatpants are definitively allowed!

Literary Truths

Here are some tips to nurture emotional intimacy in your relationship:

• Continuously work on expanding intimacy in your relationship: if you take the bond that you have with your partner for granted, you may damage your relationship.

• Schedule quality time with your partner: most people are very busy and the only way to ensure that your mate and yourself stay connected is to be on each other’s priority list.

• Create an atmosphere of openness: pay attention when your partner is talking to you and be non-judgmental. Your mate should feel safe to reveal sensitive emotional issues.

• Allow intimacy to grow naturally: you cannot force someone to be vulnerable with you. You can start the process by opening up to your partner, but there are no guarantees that they will reciprocate.

• Talk about your issues: sometimes you may be afraid to discuss problems that can create friction. But by not bringing these challenges to light, you create a distance between you and your partner.

• Keep other people outside your relationship: your family/friends/co-workers should not be allowed to interfere with the bond that you are building with your mate.

• Have non-sexual physical contact: throughout the day, express your affection for your partner through non-sexual touch. If every physical contact leads to sex, one of you (usually the woman) may become emotionally withdrawn.

Truth in Motion

References

How the Skill of Intimacy Grows In the Family

Intimacy

Statue of Liberty

3 Stages of Love

12 Steps to Intimacy