Let’s Talk!
You think “I can’t stand this guy”. Actually, you felt that way right from the moment your best friend Jennifer introduced Bob to you. It’s obvious to everyone around that he’s a bad seed that should have never been planted in Jennifer’s garden. Somehow, your friend perceives Bob as the Prince Charming who will fulfill all her dreams.
Jennifer is not a desperate case – she is beautiful, intelligent, educated, financially independent, and has a great personality. However, she had been so often disappointed by men, that she lost hope of ever finding the “right one”. Bob entered her life when she needed reassurance and wanted to feel special. He showered her with attention and compliments.
The first red flag was the speed at which the relationship progressed. Within weeks, he moved in with her. Jennifer spent every minute of her free time with Bob. As new lovers, that seemed to be normal behaviour, however, Bob had too much free time. No one knew what he did to earn a living. When anyone asked him, he would find a convoluted way to never answer the question.
Since Jennifer was very cautious in previous relationships, she decided to do the opposite in order to make the relationship with Bob work. He soon got access to her bank account. She told him in detail her family history. She confessed her deepest fears and hopes to him, which gave Bob even more ammunition to emotionally manipulate her.
Bob never introduced Jennifer to his friends or family members. One lie would contradict the other. You soon found out that Bob was about ten years older than he pretended to be and already married.
After a few months, you can’t stand it anymore, and you try a gentle but firm intervention with Jennifer. She brushes aside your concerns, attributing your worries to your overprotective tendencies. Soon, Jennifer finds out that her credit cards are maxed and that Bob’s wife is looking for him. She is devastated and humiliated but still can’t find the strength to leave him.
To the astonishment of friends and family, Bob convinces Jennifer that he only “borrowed” her money since he would soon start a new job. Also, he tells Jennifer that it’s a matter of months before the divorce from his fourth wife will be finalized. Bob assures her that all the lying was due to his “deep” love for her, and the thought of losing such an amazing woman was unbearable.
You want to give Jennifer a big wake up call, but you have no idea what to do. You now have intense anger towards Bob and Jennifer. You ask yourself “How can she be so stupid?”. A few months later, you realize that you can’t make your friend leave Bob unless she wants to.
As much as you want to end your friendship with Jennifer, isolating her will only make her even more vulnerable to Bob. To protect yourself, it’s good to keep a healthy distance from this dysfunctional relationship. However, make sure that Jennifer knows that your door is always open for her and when she finds the courage to leave Bob, she can cry on your shoulder.
Literary Truths
If your friend is in an unhealthy relationship, here are some ways to keep the communication lines open:
- Let your friend make her own choices: if you tell her what to do, she may rebel and think that you’re trying to control her.
- Listen without judgment: it may be difficult, but if you continue telling your friend how awful her partner is, she may think you have a biased opinion of her relationship.
- Ask her to make a list of all pros and cons of her relationship: she has to come to the conclusion on her own that this relationship is a liability.
- Help her focus on the bright side of being single: your friend may think that she may not be well perceived by other people if she doesn’t have a partner.
- Make allowances for mistakes: it may take a long time before your friend decides to end her unhealthy relationship. By making allowances for screw-ups, she may feel more accepted by you and may be more willing to listen to your suggestions.
- Remain calm even when the situation worsens: your friend may have to hit rock bottom before she decides to leave her partner. Maintain a firm position of not encouraging this relationship but keep your door open for your friend.
Truth in Motion
References
5 Ways to Free your Friend From a Bad Relationship
Love Addiction – How to Break It: cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/10/09/end.relationship/
Shapiro, David. “On the psychology of self-deception.” Social Research. 63.n3 (Fall 1996): 785(16).
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