The Green-Eyed Monster

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“O! beware, my lord, of jealousy;
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
The meat it feeds on.”

William Shakespeare, Othello

At some point in our lives, most of us will experience jealousy. This emotion can be felt in various relationships from friendships, co-workers, and family members. However, romantic relationships are of particular interest when it comes to jealousy because more resources and time may have been invested in this kind of bond.

The word “jealousy” comes from the French word jalousie which is derived from jaloux. American Psychologist Christine R. Harris Ph.D., defines romantic jealousy as “the negative emotional reaction experienced when a relationship that is vital to a person’s self-concept is endangered by a real or imagined rival”. Jealousy is therefore a mixture of the grief at the possibility of losing the cherished person, and the pain of the wounded ego of losing that individual to a rival.

Although jealousy is often confused with envy, there is a distinction between these two emotions.  Jealousy is the fear of losing something/someone one has, whereas envy is related to the longing of not having yet (or never having in the future) the object of our desire.

Moreover, jealousy is different from disappointment. Jealousy refers to the possible future loss of an important thing/person in contrast with disappointment, which is the usual reaction after the loss has occurred.

There are factors that influence someone’s predisposition to jealousy. English Psychiatrist Dinesh Bhugra reports that culture, childhood experiences, feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and dependency as well as past negative relationship experiences play an important role.

Is jealousy useful? Does it have some positive aspects?

American psychologist David M. Buss Ph.D. argues that jealousy is a useful emotion in relationships, and from an evolutionary perspective it may help retain a mate.  Buss further explains that some people purposely trigger jealousy in their mates to remind their partner of their worth and to boost their own self-esteem. Also, jealousy can be used to punish a mate and gain control over the relationship.

American evolutionary psychologist Gordon G. Gallup affirms that the fear of losing one’s romantic partner over casual flirting has some basis.  For instance, Gallup reported that something as innocent as kissing another person on the mouth can trigger sexual excitement and increase the production of oxytocin (the bonding hormone) which may lead to infidelity.

According to American sociologist T. Joel Wade Ph.D., emotional cheating (i.e., spending quality time with another person) tends to be used as a method by couples to induce jealousy in their partners. On the other hand, physical cheating (i.e., having sex with another person) is usually considered more upsetting for both genders, which may cause irreparable damage to a relationship and indicate that the cheating partner wants to put an end to the romantic relationship.

Genders tend to use different tactics to make a mate jealous.  Women may hint at sexual infidelity whereas men may suggest emotional infidelity. However American psychologist Amy A. Fleishmann reported that both men and women can equally be prone to jealousy in terms of its frequency, duration, and intensity.

Psychologist Rhonda Breed states that men often react differently from women when they are struggling with jealousy.  Men may express their fear through anger/revenge and turn to drugs and alcohol.  Women, on the other hand, turn to comfort foods and females friends for support and understanding.  Breed explains this gender difference by socialization in the Western world as to what kind of behaviours are considered acceptable for a man versus a woman when dealing with negative emotions.

Professor of Humanities at UCSC Jerome Neu Ph.D. points out that the jealous lover wants the object of his affections to freely love him back.  However, his jealous behaviour may force his lover to act in an unnatural way to calm his insecurities.  Therein lies the paradox of jealousy – the very thing that would fulfill him (i.e., a spontaneous gift of love) cannot be achieved through jealousy, yet he cannot stop from been jealous.

In a romantic relationship plagued with recurring jealousy, the main goal of the insecure mate is to be loved.  These individuals want to merge with their partners and by doing so become “complete”.  Ironically the object of their affection is in fact hated because the person triggers fearful feelings that are the opposite of love.  Also, jealous individuals often find it very difficult to enjoy the present moment with their partner because of the impending uncertain future.

By contrast, in a relationship in which love exists, the partners keep their independence while still feeling deeply connected to their mate and are focused on loving the other.

American Psychotherapist Helen Acton remarks that ironically when the partner of a jealous person ends the relationship for good, the jealousy also ends.  The feelings of jealousy were kept alive by the possibility of future loss, but when the worst has happened other feelings such as disappointment have to be processed but no longer jealous ones.

Many of us will face the Green-Eyed Monster of jealousy.  This negative emotion is nourished by the possible future loss of a cherished person to a rival. Jealousy is often felt by individuals who (at some level) do not feel worthy of love.

Men and women equally experience jealousy, although environmental factors such as culture and past romantic experiences can make one more prone to jealousy.  Some people may even purposely trigger feelings of jealousy in their partner to test if their mate truly cares about them.

The truth is that jealousy is not a totally irrational emotion. Acton points to the fact that romantic relationships often end, and our need for security has to somehow be reconciled with the uncertainty of life.  Perhaps the best way to resolve these diverging needs is to have faith that we are resilient enough to recover after the loss has occurred.

Literary Truths

According to American psychologist Amber Belcher there are four kinds of jealousy:

• Sibling rivalry: a common form of family jealousy.  It occurs when one member of the family feels that they receive less attention and love than the other members. It may develop at the arrival of a new baby sister or brother who threatens to take the place of the older sibling.

• Workplace jealousy: often observed between colleagues having similar positions and who do not receive the same level of positive feedback from their boss. The attention from the boss and possibly other rewards (i.e., promotions) are at stake.

• Romantic jealousy: is experienced between lovers in short-term or long-term relationships. The mate spends more time, attention, or resources on another person.  The rival is usually another potential mate but can also be a platonic friend.

• Platonic jealousy: develops in friendships and is similar to romantic jealousy. There is a fear of being replaced by another “rival” friend. But it can also arise if two male or female friends are competing for the same partner.  In this case, the person is jealous that the friend will “win” the coveted mate.

Truth in Motion

References

Acton, Helen. “Freedom captured by the green-eyed monster: some existential perspectives on romantic jealousy.” Existential Analysis 21.1 (2010): 112.

Breed, Rhonda, Knox David, and Marty Zusman. “College men and jealousy *.” College Student Journal 41.2 (2007): 494.

Somasundaram, O. “Facets of morbid jealousy: With an anecdote from a historical Tamil romance.” Indian Journal of Psychiatry 52.3 (2010): 284.

Wade, T. Joel, and Jennifer L. Weinstein. “Jealousy induction methods, sex, and the big-5 personality dimensions.” Psychology [Irvine] 2.5 (2011): 517.

Wikipedia – Jealousy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy