Think You’re Worth it?

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There are countless books on self-improvement at your local bookstore. From losing weight, to how to better one’s finances, there are endless subjects to explore and a lot of money to be made by self-help gurus.

Self-esteem is one of those subjects that is often discussed. Although most people use that term, it is not very well understood. More specifically how does self-esteem affect our sex life?

The American psychotherapist Dr. Nathaniel Branden defines self-esteem as “…the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness”. This definition touches on two important points of self-esteem – first, knowing that you can rise above the difficulties of day-to-day existence; second, that you deserve to be happy.

According to Branden, self-esteem is a basic human need essential to healthy self-development. Our actions and successes feed our self-esteem. Therefore, “feeling good” about ourselves depends upon our sound choices and behaviours. In short, self-esteem is a stable component in the background of our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

The building of self-worth starts in childhood and is significantly influenced by the parenting style we received. Psychologist Dr. Laurence Steinberg states that authoritative parenting (i.e., clear and directive parenting with a high degree of warmth) tends to build high self-esteem in children. Permissive parenting can lead to a lack of self-control in adulthood, while cold authoritarian parenting may lower self-worth.

Sexual self-esteem is a separate concept that contributes to general self-esteem. In other words, you can overall feel worthy, but have insecurities specifically about your sex life. The American psychiatrist Dr. Paula Zeanah, defines sexual self-esteem as “(one’s) affective reactions to (their) subjective appraisal of (their) sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviours”.

People with high sexual self-esteem tend to freely talk about sex with their partners, are proactive about contraception and safer sex practices. Also, these same individuals accept themselves as sexual beings and report higher levels of relationship and sexual satisfaction.

There are gender differences in the development of sexual self-esteem. Girls tend to have lower sexual self-esteem at the beginning of puberty. In present North American society, a woman’s worth is often linked to her sexual attractiveness and youth. These unrealistic expectations may have a negative effect on women’s overall self-esteem and in particular sexual self-esteem.

Although sex is highly promoted in our society, there is still a double standard when it comes to judging appropriate behaviour for a woman versus a man. In other words, the implicit slut/stud message is persistent.

There’s not a direct link between the number of sexual partners someone has and high sexual self-esteem.  The key factor may be the quality of the emotional/spiritual bond between two individuals.

From what I have observed, young women who have multiple casual sex partners tend to have lower self-worth. Since it is much easier for a woman to attract sexual partners, there is no real achievement in convincing a man to engage in casual sex. Sex is often used to prevent true intimacy, which would require real emotional involvement.

Boys also face the challenge of measuring up to the image of “macho stud” when they reach puberty. As most women will attest, the vast majority of male teenagers and men know very little about sexual health matters. Young men can feel insecure about their sexual performance and have low sexual self-esteem. Contrary to their female counterparts, boys who have many casual sex partners don’t tend to be as afflicted by low sexual self-esteem.

The many terms used by the self-help movement in North America can be confusing to people. The concept of self-esteem is often misunderstood. Sexual self-esteem is distinct from general self-worth and yet supports it. Self-esteem and its subcategories (i.e., sexual self-esteem) are the backbones that allow us to grow as individuals and healthy sexual beings.

Literary Truths

Here are ways to nurture healthy self-esteem:

• Make important decisions: Don’t let other people decide for you – trust your own judgment.

• Limit negative power from your friends/family: You can admit areas where you need improvement to people close to you, but you are more than your “flaws”.

• Control your self-talk: Pay attention to what you say to yourself. Positive self-talk leads to positive emotions and actions.

• Stop comparing yourself to others: We all have different abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. Use your energy to focus on being the best you can be.

• Surround yourself with positive people: The individuals with whom you spend most of your time will have a long-term impact on your ability to stay positive and reach your goals.

• Revisit your “failures”: There are no failures in life as long as you have learned the lesson. You are now better equipped to face similar challenges in the future.

Truth in Motion

References

Branden, Nathaniel. The Psychology of Romantic Love. New York: Penguin Group, 2008.

Career Counseling – Improving Self Esteem: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wySXOCLGqpA

Dawson, Laura H., et al. “Reasons why adolescents and young adults have sex: associations with psychological characteristics and sexual behavior.” The Journal of Sex Research 45.3 (2008): 225.

Ionescu, Simona, Sorinel Voicu, and Andreea Ulmeanu. “The relationship between self-esteem and physical exercise in women sports practice.” Ovidius University Annals, Series Physical Education and Sport/Science, Movement and Health 10.2 (2010): 246.

Koyuncu, Mehmet, et al. “Body image satisfaction and dissatisfaction, social physique anxiety, self-esteem, and body fat ratio in female exercisers and nonexercisers.” Social Behavior and Personality: an international journal 38.4 (2010): 561.

Oattes, Melanie Kristel, and Alia Offman. “Global self-esteem and sexual self-esteem as predictors of sexual communication in intimate relationships. (Report).” The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 16.3-4 (2007): 89.

Patock-Peckham, Julie A., and Antonio A. Morgan-Lopez. “Mediational links among parenting styles, perceptions of parental confidence, self-esteem, and depression on alcohol-related problems in emerging adulthood.” Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs 70.2 (2009): 215.

Rostosky, Sharon Scales, et al. “Sexual self-concept and sexual self-efficacy in adolescents: a possible clue to promoting sexual health?” The Journal of Sex Research 45.3 (2008): 277.